Saying the past week has been hard is a monumental understatement.
I traveled over 4000 miles to lay my father to rest. As I wait in the airport for the first of two flights that will take me across and ocean, I practice some deep breathing meditation and realize that my body feels as beat up as my soul. I hurt from the tips on my toes to the innermost part of my soul.
It’s been two weeks since I got the call. I’ve had waves of grief, fear, nausea and relief. I take comfort in that he didn’t suffer. His family didn’t have to watch him wither away with a debilitating disease or disappear in the heinous cloud of dementia. He reached the right old age of 85 and lived a good life. But the fact that my dad is gone sits heavily on me.
Never again will I get the silly phone calls that he made when mom wasn’t home. He got a real kick out of having me all to himself. I loved hearing him say “Your mom is out for a while, so I thought it would be a good time to call.” Being the only one of my siblings to permanently leave the county where I was raised, I am the black sheep. Leaving both the county and the country leaves some in my family dubious of me, but dad got it. He understood that I was wired differently. Not better, not worse, just different. There is a tiny part of me that will call the corn fields of Illinois home, but my husband and son and I have led a nomadic life. Although we all hold US passports, all three of us consider ourselves citizens of the world. That concept is a long way out there for the average Mid-Western mindset.
My father was no world traveler, but he was a voracious reader. I think he enjoyed living vicariously through my adventures. When we talked on the phone, he asked great questions about the places we had visited. He always read for enjoyment, but as I grew older, I realized he read books that related to where I was living or traveling, as a way to connect with me. I’m going to miss that connection most.
I've lived more of my life away from my family that near them. Those miles caused more disconnect than they should have. I hope just maybe my trip back has allowed for a reset in some of those relationships. It would be nice if something good could grow from the grief and sorrow of losing my father.
Comments